I've Been Living a Lie

(If you are going to read any of this, please read all the way through.. otherwise, it defeats the purpose. thanks! love you all.)



This past Sunday night I had a deep, deep revelation. It wasn't a deliverance by any means; its something I have to trust and keep trusting and push through even when I can't see. But I WAS changed.

I realized I had been living a lie. A lie I realized no human had ever told me. So who, I asked, ever told me this lie? I gasped. It had to have been the father of lies, satan himself.

It had to have been. No human has ever told me I am ugly. I just looked in the mirror and believed it. I knew it. I knew it.

Its one of those things where I said, well, I know I am not the best looking creature on the earth. I know I am mediocre, and I can deal with that. If I just accept it, at least I won't look like a doof. If I let people know that I KNOW that I am not that beautiful, then they'll know I'm not living a lie, believing a lie, thinking that I am oh-so-pretty when I am just average. I wanted everyone to know I KNEW I was just average. BUT I was living a lie!

And honestly, it may be partly due to the "world"'s standard of beauty. In fact, I am sure it is part of it. But its not because THEY know or hollywood knows what beauty is- its because they were all told the same lie. Its because our vision is MESSED up. Its because we do not know what beauty is. Its like we can't even see. THAT is the problem. Its not that what they say is beautiful is beautiful- its that WE. CAN'T. SEE.

When my eyes opened to this reality on Sunday night, it was so freeing but so so so sad. I realized I was BLIND. I can't see how He sees.

So this is what happened. My husband was singing some spontaneous songs with his guitar by himself up front on stage, and there were just a few people left, scattered in the room, sitting in His presence. He started singing about the sons and about rising up. Then he started singing about the daughters and what God is saying to us. And how God takes us and shows us off to His angels and shows us off to the elders and the creatures. Heavenly beings in awe of His creation, of these humans that have CHOSEN His love. And in that picture, I pictured Him leading me around and showing me off to them. Saying this is my daughter, isn't she beautiful? And in that moment, I felt like I was. Because I realized something:

HE MADE ME.

HE MADE ME!

HE MADE ME.

I said it to myself over and over again. It was like I was really realizing it for the first time. I said it and said it and said it again. HE. MADE. ME.!

My eyes were literally opened. I sat there and it was like a lightbulb moment. My head was down and as I kept saying it my eyes got wider and my head lifted little by little. I REALIZED IT.

AND I REALIZED HE MADE ME. AND IF I REALLY BELIEVE THAT I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL. AND WHILE MY NATURAL EYES MIGHT SEE ME AS LESS THAN AVERAGE LOOKING, THOSE STANDARDS ARE NOT REAL. THEY DO NOT EXIST. THEY DO NOT EXIST. I EXIST!!! THEY DO NOT!!!! They are made up!!! They are made up rules to the game of lies that satan loves to play with us. (when I say they do not exist, I do not mean they are not real issues we deal with, I just mean that they were not meant to exist from the beginning of time.)

THOSE STANDARDS ARE NOT REAL.

BEAUTY THIS WORLD SAYS IS BEAUTIFUL IS NOT REAL.

WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL.

And if I TRULY BELIEVE that HE is REAL, that the LIVING GOD IS REAL AND MADE THIS EARTH AND MADE MEEEE, then IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE UGLY. IT IS ABSOLUTELY 100% IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!

THIS LIE THAT SOME HUMANS ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SOME ARE UGLY IS FALSE. THERE IS NO SUCH THING!!!DON'T YOU GET IT? THIS STANDARD WAS MADE AFTER THE FALL. THIS STANDARD WAS MADE IN OUR OWN EYES. AND ITS ROOT IS THE LIES FROM SATAN THAT HAS SHAPED HISTORY AND SHAPED STANDARDS.

I can't make you have the same revelation as me. And its something I am still dealing with and processing in my head. I have to catch myself because I lived and believed this lie for so long I speak all these things and I realize that I have been speaking lies over myself. I have been questioning and questioning my beauty and all of it for what??? For WHAT?? I AM!! HE MADE ME AND I TRUST HIM AND IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE ANYTHING BUT BEAUTIFUL. And the way I look at other people has BEEN through this LIE!!! The way I judge others and their appearance has been through this lie. Oh wow she is so beautiful!! And ofhwow, she's so nice, but boy.. she's kinda homely.. :-( I will never look at people the same way again. NEVER. I AM WRONG. MY EYES ARE WRONG. I CANNOT SEE. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT BEAUTY IS!


I want to say so much more, but I fear I would just be stating the same things over again.

Its extremely hard to just post this as is because I just want to say it and say it and say it. HE.MADE. YOU. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE TRUE AND LIVING GOD?? DO YOU BELIEVE THE LAMB WAS SLAIN BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD??



If you do, then you have to know.

YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.

The every day awakening.

I have not written in a while.. God has done so many amazing things. I got married in March; I love being married, it is such an adventure.
I was reading some scripture today and I was in Galatians. On my way to Galatians, a few verses in Ephesians caught my eye. When I was done in Galatians, I went back and read the same few verses a few times over.

NLT:
Living by the Spirit’s Power
15 So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. 16 Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. 17 Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. 18 Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, 19 singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. 20 And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

This sample of scripture is so simple. But yet it awakens in the deepest parts of me. I'm really not sure why. But it is such a basic explaination of what we are supposed to do. It is so black and white, and it is to the point. And I love it. And there is joy in my heart reading this; there is joy in my heart doing these things. This scripture alone creates such a deep longing in my heart. If we could just be obedient and LIVE these 5 verses, how much unitity would we walk in, how much grace, how much passion and fire, oh how we would stop struggling and be IN HIM. Being obedient to these 5 verses means you desire to please Him. It also means that you are satisfied in Him. And you KNOW that that is where you get ALL your joy, ALL your peace, ALL your strength. You are desperate. But you've come to a place where it is the NORM. So its easy. It's easy to look at this passage of scripture and say, 'YES, I CAN DO THAT. YES, LORD. YES.' Because there is nothing else for you.

I just love it. "Don't act thoughtlessly, but UNDERSTAND what the LORD wants you to do."

Are we in that communion where He is constantly able to speak? Or do we have to be in some sort of special setting or mindset and ask? Yes it is good to ask the Lord what to do. But sometimes we have to UNDERSTAND. We have to come to a place where THe HOLY SPIRIT is so WELCOMED in us that He is always able to speak without any stifling.
This is just such a joyful piece of scripture to me. I don't really know what the point of this is, (do I ever? lol) but I definitely felt compelled to write about this scripture. I really don't have anything else to say about any other part of it, other than... it awakens me.

I encourage you to have an every day awakening. Get to that place. It could be the simplest thing. But be open to Him changing you ever day to His mindset. Awakening you to something you've never seen before. It's so simple. Yet it is such a treasure.

Thank you Jesus, for the every day awakening. I love seeing new sides of You. You are too good to me and my sometimes lack of consistency. You pour out Your wisdom to me even when I don't deserve it. You are always with me, You are always speaking. You are always guiding me, and I see You. I follow You. Thank You for always having something to say to me. Thank You for awakening my heart to always understand You in every situation. To always be aware of You.